I want to apologize so much

This isn't the first time someone has told me they won't accept an apology. I didn't realize it was going to hurt so much though. I still hurt about Jane, and that was also purely my fault. Jane doesn't want to resume comraderie and I guess I can't blame her much. Graduating from Highschool also set us on different paths. Even I used to say that fighting over a guy was the worst thing to do, and I pretty much did it when it came to her. Tonite I did something so simple... I gave Andrea her little hairties because she had accidently left them in the bathroom. She said, "Oh, thanks." Those are the first words she has spoken to me since Saturday. It made my heart beat so fast and I quickly went into the other room and had to compose myself. A few tears slipped and I was thankful that she hadn't seen. I felt the urge to quickly rush in and hug her and beg for forgiveness, but I know that is not a possibility. I had a dream a few nights ago that felt so real I wondered if I should do it or not, that I should do what I saw in the dream. In it I had given her a gift, because I still harbor guilt about not getting her a Christmas gift. I had wrote her a note about how I knew she wouldn't forgive me etc, but I wanted her to pretend it was the Xmas gift I never got her. It was a realistic half-awake half-asleep dream, and I didn't get to finish it so I don't know if that is a good idea or not. I think it isn't a good idea because no matter how much I deny it, it would look like I was trying to buy back her friendship. Whether or not she cared about Xmas gifts. I can understand why she got so upset about what I said. If only I had clarified it better. I had called her an "Annete in training", and I don't think anyone would really want to be compared to my former roommate Annette. I actually don't hate Annette, David is the one who complains about my roommates more than I do. Annette had come to Hawaii because she wanted to loose weight. That was one of the stupidest excuses I had heard. Annette would eat ice cream every night at the Dining Hall, which didn't help at all. There was a time when Andrea was eating ice-cream, and she also desires to loose weight. Annette was little messy, and Andrea is a little messy. But then again, so am I. There are days where Andrea will clean more than I do, so maybe she is actually cleaner than me? Sometimes Andrea will leave coffee in her coffee pot overnight, and that reminded me of Annette leaving her's there for almost a month. So no she wasn't as extreme, it just reminded me of that time. Annette's voice was louder than mine, and so is Andrea's. If you know me you probably know that I am so VERY soft and quiet you often have to ask me to repeat something I said. Ah to think I wrote that terrible thing back in October. Since then I had gotten entirely used to Andrea, and I often felt that I should be even friendlier. There were a few times where I didn't want her to come back so quickly, simply because I was going to have some alone-time with David. I really don't like PDA and I don't think it is right to subject even a close roommate to that sort of torture. Annette used to scream when she walked into the room and David and I were kissing or cuddling. No, I didn't want to do that to Andrea. I often wonder why she doesn't try to make more friends, she has only had one over in the entire time that we've been roommates, whereas I have had numerous SailorMoon parties, etc. Actually the other day some of my friends came over and 'kidnapped' me from my schoolwork. When I finally learned what we were going to be doing, going out to eat as a gang, part of me wanted to run back and grab Andrea (I did go grab David tho). But that was the day after we had our confrontation and I didn't think she'd accept to go anywhere if I was involved. I swear she drove by the group while we were walking on the road, and I felt guilty. Especially since the one friend she had invited over previously was among the group. I didn't want her to think I was stealing her other friend. She probably already does. She's been going to sleep around 10:30 lately and I feel guilty so I turn off the lights and hop in bed and use my laptop. Except I know that her sleeping habits are akin to mine, and she probably can't sleep very well with the glow from my laptop illuminating the room. All the more reason for me to feel guilty. It would be awesome if she would let us put the past behind us, but I really think she's headstrong. I hurt her feelings. Maybe she needs a blog too? I always tend to write when I am upset or something. Do you honestly write stuff when you are in a happy mood? I think that's why alot of my entries seem to be so depressive or sinister. David doesn't write in his blog much lately - maybe he's always in a happy mood? Heh he plays games too much to be unhappy. And he's not a girl so he doesn't judge his life my his relationships with people.